Hooligan fan clubs are the bomb diggity. I’m serious! Look how awesome they are at this girls volleyball game. The hooligans walk in, look around, and say “hey, y u no have sandy thongs?” and then some fatty official is all like “because this is an indoor game and it’s cold out” and the hooligan is like “well we will make this more exciting then, yes?” and the next thing you know is that a minute into the video there’s a riot ensuing and the volleyball game is over.

Rule number one of women’s volleyball – 1 wear something sexy or don’t bother playing, because no one cares to watch your game anyway. Well, even an amateur volleyball game would be more entertaining then watching the WNBA, because nothing is more gross then watching the beastly women play basketball, or watching the twin brother’s who got sex changes play on the girls tennis circuit, aka, Venus and Serena Williams. They’re definitely men.

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Let’s make a list of the evil child molesters, perverts, and pieces of crap at Penn State.

Jerry Sandusky – raped a kid in the shower. Probably raped a ton of other kids. He’s old and looks like a pervert who would lick all over a boy in the shower. Just look at his face. He’s got gay child boner toucher written all over it. You’re gross and I am certain you will commit suicide during the trial. If not, then you’ll enjoy being in prison because you’re gay, and what better place to send a gay guy then jail where they can get all the free sex they like.

Mike Mcqueary – he is an ugly ginger who has a 99.99999% chance of being a homosexual. There is no way in hell this guy is straight, and my guess is that once he saw the Sandusky shower scene, that he actually joined in on the rape. If he didn’t join in on the “oh hai, imma ruin dis kids life fo-eva” party in the shower, then he is still a homosexual. He is a homosexual in the sense that McQUEERy and Sandusky probably have a secret relationship and were just about to fly to New York to tie the knot.

Joe Paterno – he’s a big dumb old piece of crap. You hear the story and do nothing. You alone could’ve done what Mcqueary failed to do, which is called BE A MAN and stop the crime. This isn’t petty theft stealing a water bottle from a player. This is child rape and a serious crime. You should have done more. You didn’t. Now GTFO!

Tim Curley – he knew about it and also did nothing. His name sounds like a french fry. He probably was dating Sandusky before Mcqueary came along, then those two started dating because Jerry liked younger guys.

Gary Schultz and Graham Spanier were fired too. They are probably gay too. They’re all gay to me. To my gay viewers, and I know you’re out there, I mean gay in the modern term as in the sense that those people all suck. Well, I mean it in a homosexual manner too. Ah F it – you’re all gay!

I hope Penn State students show Jerry Sandusky what’s up and perform vile things to him on his way to court, so vile that he attempts suicide by hanging himself by his penis. Then he fails and ends up just castrating himself.

Now try raping someone with no penis, you dirty old disgusting pervert.

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What happens when you mix Precious, Carrot Top, BeetleJuice from Howard Stern, a down syndrome midget, and Susan Boyle?

Rachel Crow.

And Rachel Crow has to go.

Get this creep off my television. I won’t watch XFactor anymore if they have to resort to circus freaks on a talent show.

This is almost as stupid as Mr. Splash on America’s Got Talent. Sure, you have talent because you’re fat, old, stupid, and can jump off a 20 foot pole into a baby pool with a mattress under it so you don’t get hurt.

That’s not talent, that’s just boring and anyone can do that.

I’ve had it up to here ______ with midgets.

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The police were trying to arrest some fat chick and she wasn’t cooperating right away. You know, do the stall technique and think you’re going to get away with it, because you think you have all these crazy amounts of ridiculous rights, and the only thing that you have the right to do is hire an attorney.

Yeah.

She did all that.

She got tased, bro.

I, you, he, she, it, we, and they all giggled as she dropped like a tree.

If a fat girl falls in the woods, does anyone hear it?

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There’s rules to being State Troopers and police officers, and she broke one of the most important rule there is. She, the dumb, and most likely hideous faced, state trooper, has arrested a police officer.

That is something you do not ever do. I could see if the police officer was mauling tigers with a machete and selling kids on the black market, but he’s just taking a leisurely stroll down the highway in his cruiser.

I just cannot believe she would be this ignorant to another member of law enforcement. How can you do this to someone you’re on the same team with? This is like scoring on your own goal in a game of soccer, in Europe, where it matters. Not in the United States because no one in America gives a rats dirty behind about soccer. Everyone in America calls soccer gay, and everyone who watches it is actually gay. Especially the girls.

Homegirl – you’re not supposed to arrest other members of law enforcement, especially for something this stupid. You Ma’am, are an A-hole with a fart face and ugly children born out of wedlock because your old job was a prostitute and you only got a real job because you had two kids by different Johns.

This horrible State Trooper woman will most likely have a close encounter with Karma.

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I don’t vote and I won’t vote. I don’t know anything about any politician. I don’t know the difference is between democrat and republican. I don’t care and politics do not interest me at all.

If I did vote, which I probably should, then this is what my criteria would be:

1. who is not a toolbag?
2. who banged the most interns?
3. who else thinks Metallica sucks?
4. who’s black?
5. who wants to support my website and pay my hosting bill?
6. who is not a female?
7. who is Chinese? because a Chinese president would be so much cooler then a black president.
8. Who wants to eradicate those lame-a55 dirty hipsters?
9. Who thinks Olson Twins look like heroin addict train wrecks and they stopped being hot when they turned 18?
10. Who wants fat girls off the beach?
11. Who thinks Sandusky should get molested by the Penn State football team for touching boys and ruining Penn States’ reputation?
12. Who can dance better? Clearly this goes to a black person.
13. Who has a hotter wife with nekked pics?
14. Who thinks Kim Kardashian should be forced starvation, so that she can finally stop having such a big fat cottage cheese butt and an ugly sister?
15. Who thinks Jay Z sucks and needs to stop copying rhymes from so many other rappers?
16. Who thinks fat girls should eat everything at a trash dump area to remove waste from Earth?
17. Who thinks people who don’t dress up for Halloween parties, but still go to the party are losers who should be tased until they buy a costume, because no one is too cool for Halloween?
18. Who thinks Crankers is the best website on Earth next to your actual favorite website? C’mon, even I don’t like my own website. This place sucks! Go TEAM I!
19. Who thinks girls who own dogs before marriage are annoying because everything revolves around their stupid dog?
20. Who thinks people live up to their stereotypes, then blame the stereotype for who they are, should shut up and accept the fact that stereotypes exist because they are true?

And that’s just the beginning of the list of requirements I need before I ever vote for someone. I don’t care if it’s an office vote asking who, out of five people, should go get KFC for lunch today. I won’t vote until they meet my personal requirements.

I don’t know enough to make an educated vote. If you don’t know enough to make an educated vote, then you shouldn’t vote either.

ONLY VOTE IF YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT AND VOTING ON!

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Remember the episode of South Park where Randy thought saying N*GGER was a smart idea on Wheel of Fortune’s “people who annoy you” question, and Randy paid the price? Yes. I do too.

That hilarious funny episode is what this tool bag’s bright idea of the N word reminded me of.

You big dummy. You really thought the missing letter for CLAM -IGGER was an N? YOU IDIOT! Very funny, but you’re still an idiot.

I like Louis C.K.’s thought about the N word. Whenever you say “THE N WORD”, you’re making ME think it in my head and making me say it. WHY DON’T YOU F*CKING SAY IT? Take some accountability for your own words!

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This is what happens when you irritating parking meter maids give someone a ticket when the meter is listed as expired because the meter is broken. You get your meter cut down with a chainsaw. WHAT!!!! A MOTHERF*CKIN CHAINSAW!!! WHAT!!!!

Thank Fred Durst and his small weenus career for providing us with the soundtrack for today’s funny video straight outta New York City, where Jay-Z acts like he’s a good rapper, even though he sucks.

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Scanning odd news posts at Yahoo and found that the Vatican recently stated that church sermons are boring and that the sermons need to be spiced up to keep people interested in the seats. Well no sh*t! It took you motherf*ckers 2012 years to figure out that white people church is the most boring thing on Earth next to listening to anything Nancy Grace has to say?

Speaking at a conference organised by a French institute, Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi said preaching in churches “was so dull and vapid that it had become quite meaningless.”

To yank drowsy church-goers to attention, the Italian cardinal urged priests to jazz up their vocabulary and not be afraid of letting the “scandal” contained in the Bible erupt from the pulpit.

Dude, really?

What’s next? Another 2012 years pass by until the Vatican stops concealing and protecting all the boy touching priests?

You white people sure are slow!

You want a good time before football on Sunday, then go to a black people church. They are fun. They dance, they sing, they have a good time. White people sit around murmuring lousy hymns and checking last second fantasy football pickups on their smart phones while hoping their kid doesn’t get touched in the pants in school that week, praying that the extra dollar donation they give (because you have to pay to believe) protects their little boy from a priest!

OH NO HE DIDN’T!

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Hi Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum. What an unlikely duo in a funny movie. They even get Ice Cube and the POW guy from Step Brothers. You have to watch the redband (wtf does that even mean) trailer, because then you can appreciate the true humor from the R rated comedy. When did I get stabbed!?

I wish I could see this and the new Dark Knight movie on the same day. I know they won’t release at the same time, but that seems to be a nice pair of Sunday afternoon movies in my book. Which in fact, I don’t have a book, because we do everything on the puter now.

Heck, I can’t even remember anyone’s phone number anymore! Can you? Johnny Depp – you mad you’re not in this? You’re like 50 but you still wear 100 bracelets, that’s gotta count for something, right?

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Chavez Family day at the lake. No one thought to bring a metal detector? WTF?

People in Guatemala earn more income picking trash out of a massive waterlogged landfill then they do working for minimum wage. It’s so bad in Guatemala that people who trek down into this nasty garbage lake are earning double the minimum wage rate.

What are they finding in this huge stinkbox of gold? Well, let’s think about it. What do you throw in the trash? And how often are you throwing away your rings and jewelry? Exactly. So here’s a legitimate list of what they’re probably finding most often…

1. Definitely not condoms, because we know that they’re not using protection there. Much like the African American culture all across America, the Guatemalan’s are probably not using too many condoms either. Oh come on, you know half of the African American males in inner city urban cultures f*ck anything that walks, and the girls don’t take the pill either, which is why so many families have nine kids and no jobs. There’s not enough jobs for everyone, so stop f*cking. Put a hold on your primal instincts to reproduce and use some contraception y’all! End miniature horse rant.
2. Used tampons or bloody old torn t shirts.
3. Diapers, which explains the turd that was found inside the ring you found that one time three years ago in the massive water loo of trash.
4. Nickelback CDs. Even people in Guatemala think Nickelback sucks more dong then an AC Hooker.
5. Empty containers now filled with trash truck juice, from the trash truck lake they’re swimming in.
6. Kim Kardashian’s wedding papers.
7. Rosie Odonnell’s sense of humor and appetite control pills.
8. 19 babies, because abortions are too expensive, so its easier to throw the baby away if you don’t want it. Oh please, like your high school dumpster and prom bathroom weren’t the target of every preggered teenie at the school dance. This trash river isn’t so bad. Maybe the baby will luck out and catch a ride on an old raft concocted of a two by four and held together by old packs of Bazooka Joe.
9. Extra copies of every Kevin James movie. Seriously bro, your movies suck as much as that crap show Seinfeld.
10. NBA season tickets. Has anyone cared that there’s been no basketball season so far? Nope. Not me. I could care less. There’s no good basketball on until March Madness anyway. Rot in hell Lebron James. You’re a toolbag.

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A video was released showing Judge William Adams throwing down some leather belt action on his 16 year old daughter’s ripe a55. He beat her down because she likes to use computers and download things from the Internet. Kinda what every 16 year old girl in the world does unless you’re living in Somalia and your hobbies include picking fleas off your eyelids or eating sh1t from baby loin cloths. Regardless, his now 20 something year old daughter is mad yo, and this girl’s all about showing the world what a demonic man her father really was.

This reminds me of an episode of SouthLand, where some little douchey kid called the police because his Mom hit him on the behind three times with a belt, and the rightfully so correct officer told that little punk child that if he ever called the cops on his mom again, that he would come back and beat the kid himself.

So what’s the difference? Mom hit the kid three times. Not three hundred times. And it wasn’t for a BS reason like being a teenager and liking computers, because that’s what kids do, and if you are like Judge William Adams and don’t understand that, then you’re as big an idiot as he is.

Judge William Adams is an abusive animal. There’s a huge difference between discipline (I agree with getting a few licks in) and downright evil beatings for joyful pleasure.

Maybe if Judge William the Bun Destroyer loses his job as a judge, then he can work for the RIAA and go on tours beating kids who download songs. Maybe Metallica, the crappiest metal band ever, will hire him to go back in time and beat down kids using Napster. Yeah, remember when Metallica made millions of dollars and cried when broke college kids downloaded a few songs to play at parties – loser parties obviously, because Metallica sucks.

My Mom beat me with a belt a few times. The last time she beat me with a belt, I was twelve years old. I was disrespectful. She hit me on the bum two times and I laughed and said “Mom, it doesn’t hurt anymore, that doesn’t work, I’m 12, not 6.” She laughed too. That was the last time she did that, because then she started using a chain with a hammer on the end. One time I looked like SLOTH from Goonies, and that’s because I downloaded a song on LimeWire when I was 16. Oh wait, that’s not true. She didn’t use the chain. Just the hammer. And it wasn’t LimeWire…it was…OUCH MOM STOP IT!!! DAMN YO!!!!

Ha ha…If you believe that, then you’ll believe anything! I do think this terrible judge and worse dad should get beat back by his daughter and then call it even.

On second thought – let me beat him. Like Son’s of Anarchy’s Jax said to Clay – I’ll beat your half dead hands so bad, you won’t even be able to swing your own gavel.

By the way – has anyone seen his daughter now? She’s pretty hot. I’d hit it. Oh…wait…too soon?

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I’ve read mixed reviews on Johnny Depp’s movie about Hunter S. Thompson’s Rum Diary. Should I wait until it’s released on DVD? Should I shell out $10 to see it tomorrow night? I loved Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and thought it was

Look at me, I get drunk on sample bottles. I'm so cool!

funny, compelling, exciting, creative, and worthy of being purchased. Well, I didn’t buy it, but my ex girlfriend at the time bought it for me as a gift..on VHS. Either way, it’s a movie I haven’t traded in for crack to a shop yet, and I certainly haven’t donated it to a homeless guy to use as a pillow. I gave him my pillow instead!

So what do you guys think? Should I see this mixed review movie and get my own opinion, or just skip it for

now and watch it some other time, like over a bottle of Bacardi?

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Talk shows everywhere across United States are creating top ten lists of things that lasted longer then fatty no talent Kim Kardashian’s marriage to unemployed basketball player Kris Humphries, a player who’s career is about as relevant as the most unused crayon in a box of Crayola’s.

I’ve decided that the entire wedding of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries was a complete scam to steal money from every idiot in the world who cared about watching the wedding on TV. TV Networks and viewers who watched, or cared, about Kim Kardashian are about as smart as purple orange.

Can anyone out there please tell me what Kim K is famous for? I am pretty sure she has no talent other then eating a lot so her fat butt grows, then she gets her fat liposuctioned out of her stomach so she looks like a pear instead of a whale.

I just don’t find her attractive. I find her useless.

Thank you, goodnight.

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Mom always said to have manners and be kind. But how do you do that when you’re a hippo? By spraying your doo doo butter everywhere with your tiny little tail? I always wondered what purpose that stubby tail existed for, and now I know what it is. Hippos have permanent toilet paper tails attached to their body.

What would happen if people poo’ed like this? Who is the first person you would stand next to while having a butt explosion?

Here’s my list of ten people I’d explode on:

hippo poop shooter 2.0

1. The entire Dallas Cowboys team, because I am an Eagle fan.
2. The people who made Halo ODST and Halo Reach, because they’re really good at making games that suck.
3. The people who made Call of Duty, because they’re also good at making games that suck.
4. Kim Kardashian because she is fat and gross, like Rosie O’donnell, but at least Rosie has talent. She can act. Kim Kardashian can’t even act like she can act.
5. My cat, so that I can show it how bad it stinks when it poops in the litter box.
6. Miley Cyrus for having a fat butt and not staying in shape.
7. Mariah Carey for being annoying and making Eminem write crybaby raps, even though they’re still pretty good.
8. The guy behind Human Centipede Two, because Human Centipede sucked enough, that we don’t want more of it.
9. Girls who like dogs too much. It’s a pet, you can take it to the kennel. Stop crying.
10. Girls who still think it’s 1950 and they can be unemployed. Get a job you lazy woman.

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Some dude Joey quits his crappy job at some crappy hotel and uses a crappy marching band to help announce his crappy quitting from his crappy hotel job.

He quits his job like a boss.

The real boss has no sense of humor and is a booty clown. If I were Joey’s boss, then I’d probably offer him a job in the Human Resources or Marketing department. His marching band quit job video probably has more views then the hotel webpage on any single day. Maybe. I don’t really know much about the stats. I’m just guessing into the unknowing wind of nothing. And who cares anyway? Not me.

While Joey’s video is cool, it’s not as cool as Tom Green working at the sh*tty cheese factory job from the movie Freddy Got Fingered, an epic all time great funny movie.

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Some girls have all the luck! Great smile, winning personality, attractive body, and the amazing ability to jump directly into moving dirt bikes. She is so dumb that this video is not even funny. Let’s put together a list of things she should have been thinking:

1. That’s a bike, I should move.
2. I shouldn’t stand here in the first place.
3. That bike is getting closer, I should move.
4. That’s still a dirt bike aiming for my face. I should really move now.

And what she was probably thinking:

1. I can’t wait to get my nails done.
2. Cute bag.
3. Hot heels.
4. Hair products.
5. Who can I text now with pointless irrelevant conversation, such as “omg, I’m like, in this dirt path where this dude is like going to like jump this like dirt bike (chews gum for five minutes) and I’m not sure, but I like think he may drive straight, which means he’ll be on the road (chews gum for another five minutes, and texts nine guys things they don’t care about) and like, omg, he’s right here in front of me, oh, he’ll stop, he knows I don’t want to get my shoes dirty, yeah, I know right, so crazy, a dirt bike, omg, I can’t believe I’m near a dirt bike OUCH!!!!!!”
6. What happened? Why’d you hit me with your bike?

And his response:

1. Dude, you’re in the only f*cking road there is, get the f*ck off the road and stand five feet to your f*cking left. And do you want to make out after you’re done healing your Marsha Brady dirt bike nose? Ok, cool. Cause that’s hot.

Lesson learned – when there’s only one road, don’t stand in it. There’s some nice grass to the left.

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Watching Family Feud, with Steve Harvey (why is he the host), and there’s a pastor’s wife who takes things a bit too far for a family show.

The main question is “things you put in your mouth and don’t swallow” and her answer, out of all the possibilities you could name for a family friendly show, was sperm.

Let’s conjugate a list of better answers:

1. toothpaste
2. mouthwash
3. toothbrush
4. floss
5. gum
6. pens or pen caps
7. fingernails
8. chicken bones from hot wings
9. sunflower seed shells
10. watermelon seeds

There’s ten items I thought of in 24 seconds. Her first thought was “sperm” – hmmmm.

There’s only one fact to gather from her response…

SHE KNOWS FROM EXPERIENCE!

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Every once in a while a kid does something that touches our hearts, like react to The Empire Strikes Back with funny faces, which let’s the parents place it on YouTube, get a million views, and earn a few bucks in the process.

Here’s your allowance kid. Thanks for being the gritty little viral video that you are.

What do I get? Nothing but wondering on what life would’ve been like 20 years ago if my parents had access to YouTube. You’d probably see my great reaction to the giant land turtles mating and groaning. Maybe voice over some Darth Vader in the background?

That was awkward. Who has pictures or video of giant turtles getting it on at the zoo? Send them over, I’ll post them on the front page!

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Standing so hefty, she hears "ICE BUTT RIGHT AHEAD" and sinks a ship.

Why does anyone like Kim Kardashian? She has no skills, talents, brain, or healthy diet. She looks like a pig, her sister resembles a man, and her other sister is probably just annoyed by now but keeps her mouth shut to collect her checks.

There is absolutely nothing appealing about Kim Kardashian or her fat butt. Look at that thing – IT IS GROSS!

Kim Kardashian is a turd.

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Looks like someone is an idiot! Since when is it cool to beat up old people? IT’S ALWAYS COOL. Unfortunately for this young chappy, the old man whopped the younger guys behind like a raw turkey with no feathers getting leather whipped by that dominatrix creature from the movie Pulp Fiction.

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How many times have you thought “wtf are they thinking” and “omg, I could do a better job” and honestly believed you could. Chances are, you’re right. A lot of today’s task consist of simple common sense decisions mixed with a little bit of experience and education. In other words, if you have half a brain and can make better then good decisions, then you could probably run American and manage the budget a hell of a lot better then anyone else who is doing it.

You don’t get that debt without being bad at budgeting.

Get me a trailer trash meth addled hoe-bag to manage the budget – she knows how to save money to support her habit, why can’t our politicians and bankers know how to save money for our country?

I’m sure there’s a lot more information to digest in regards to a federal deficit, so feel free to enlighten us with your own knowledge in the comment area.

Thanks.

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Pigeons are really dumb. They have the smallest working brain of all the creatures on Earth. They have the same brain type as guidos. Just like a guido, they all see one little piece of candy and they all think they can get a piece. That’s why they are idiots.

Except, the guidos are worse then pigeons because pigeons don’t pop their collars or wear ugly Ed Hardy shirts. Pigeons also can’t talk, but if they could, they would sound like a douchebag guido trying to mack it to some ugly girl with low self esteem because they can’t pick up hot girls. And if they do pick up a hot girl, that’s because her IQ matches the height of a pigeon and she’s pressured into sleeping with idiots over the course of a roofie colada.

Pigeons are also better looking then guidos because pigeons do not use fake tanning spray or go tanning. Unlike a douche bag guido, pigeons necks and heads are not orange.

Let’s take a look at some bad tanned, ugly Ed Hardy shirt wearing, bad haircut scum of the Earth, making white people look like degenerates since before crack and meth, loser douchbag guidos on video.

These guys wear more makeup then a senior class at an all girls high school.

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F this. It’s a bad movie about a bad movie. Here’s a great idea – take the The first Human Centipede movie, which was terrible, and make a movie about it. Then make the main character an old naked Hobbit and you’ve got yourself another banned movie in the UK that will only appeal to viewers who like eating bugs and girls with a morbid curiosity for seeing a naked male that resembles a balding dumpster headed oompa loompa.

You want to cut up people at attach their anuses together, then that’s great. But we don’t care for a bad movie about it.

At least make the movie NOT SUCK!

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Seriously Dave Chappelle – stop hiding and get your black ass back on stage. You’re not funny when you’re hiding from the world. Stop being an irrelevant nobody and revive your career in only the way that you can. Can anyone name a comedian who is as funny now as Dave Chappelle used to be? No, not really. At least not in the humorously outlandish style of comedic delivery that you presented. You’re the favorite comedian of a zillion fans, and it’s tough for people to do your routine.

Maybe South Park and Family Guy are funny like you, but they’re cartoons and we can’t relate to them as much. We want the real thing…the real Dave Chappelle.

For every day Dave Chappelle stays in hiding, 1,000,000 more people will masturbate and kill a kitten.

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When you’re name is Tila Tequila and the only gig you get is at a creepy Insane Clown Posse Juggalo show, then you know you’re a loser. Tila Tequila must be desperate for money if she’s accepting a job like this because the people who want to see ICP do not, and will not, enjoy her fake music. I don’t even know what she sings, but I know she is terrible.

Tila Tequila is only known for being a MySpace binge spammer who creeped everyone on the Internet with her boobs.

So the idiot spamdouche named Tila Tequila tries to perform on stage at the ICP show and people threw everything from beer bottles, fireworks, and feces at her because she sucks that bad. When the weirdo crowd at an ICP show hates you, that’s when you know you’ve struck the lowest. That’s when you know that you’re a complete loser.

Take a look at the video when Tom Green jumps on stage and dances funny – the crowd cheers for him. The like him. People like Tom Green.

To the Juggalos out there – good job. Tila does not belong at a show for you guys. She’s an idiot. The person who booked her obviously got a BJ from her, or he got a BJ from a group of people who wanted a place they could throw bottles at her without getting in trouble. I think Juggalos are weirdos, but you guys did the world right and ran that spambitch out the door.  That ugly creep doesn’t belong at your show, and you let her know it!

Bottom line: Tila Tequila is an ugly, talentless, loser who joins the ranks of the ugly, talentless, loser family known as the Kardashians.

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Some dummy in Brooklyn’s Park Slope area tried r4ping a screaming girl late at night, in front of someone’s home, and experienced an EPIC FAIL.

First of all, she looks fat. So who wants to sleep with her anyway? No one but the loser failed r4pist of course.

Second, she’s clearly screaming and you do nothing to shut her up? Again, you’re an idiot and a failed r4pist.

Third, you’re in front of a person’s home, trying to stand rape a screaming fat chick, and you didn’t think someone would walk outside of their own home to see what all the fuss is about?

ARE YOU REALLY THIS STUPID?

YES! YOU ARE AN IDIOT!

GO STRAIGHT TO JAIL!

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Let’s talk about President Obama, the heckler, and the awful attempt at comedic relief. I’ll use a checklist so it’s streamlined and seems official, kinda like that time you thought you accomplished something important at work when the boss asked if anyone had any suggestions on how to improve the conditions of the company, and you ran off a checklist of reasons why you need toilet paper that causes less dingleberries. You got fired, right?

1. Obama’s presidency. We’re tired of it. Using the “change” or “hope” slogans doesn’t mean change is promised, and people break promises anyway. America’s debt has skyrocketed and you’ve accomplished nothing I can recall from the previous four years, which is pretty similar to the the same results anyone named Bush has accomplished. Let’s vote you out. Maybe it’s time for a woman to run the country, because the men have clearly ruined it the last 12-16 years. And enough about the ethnicity of the president being relevant. Black or white doesn’t matter. It’s all about the green.
2. If you’re going to react to a funny situation with a joke, then use a funny joke. You insisted that an ugly jacket belonged to a male heckler, then said “oh, it’s your jacket” to a woman. The heckler is already escorted out and doesn’t know you’re cracking jokes on his attire. The female ugly jacket owner is probably insulted because you assumed her jacket would be worn by a man. So now she thinks her jacket is an ugly jacket for men, so she feels like she’s grown testicles and a beard and she’s ugly. Women are self conscious by human nature, and you’ve just ruined her day. You’ve lost the votes of sensitive fashionistas in America. Next time insult the heckler directly, rather then inadvertently insulting a supporter. It’s a shame that I don’t know if the woman is black or not, because if she’s black, then Obama has lost the black votes and women votes! And let’s face it folks, 90% of black Americans know nothing about politics, they vote for whomever is black. Not to sound racist, but they shouldn’t be voting anyway. You should have to pass a test in order to vote, so that your vote is educated, and that goes for everyone. I wouldn’t pass the test. I don’t know anything about politics, which is why I don’t vote.
3. Michelle Bachman asked if Obama would like to swallow a corndog with her, Lady and the Tramp style. That part is made up, but the visual is funny.

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Hey Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill – nice timing releasing a baseball movie just in time for the MLB Playoffs. Brad Pitt said the best line ever about baseball “I don’t watch the games.”

Me either. When there’s 162 games, then I could care less. If I miss a game, it doesn’t even matter. It’s not like football where there’s only 16 games, and missing your game of the week actually sucks.

I heard good things about the Moneyball movie, so let’s check it out. Jonah Hill and Brad Pitt probably perform just fine.

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Dear world, can you please abduct Taylor Lautner and replace him with a better actor? No one fears this dork. He’s a weasel, and I can’t take this movie serious with him as the lead role.

Oh by the way, have you heard of Matt Damon and the Bourne movies? No, you may not have, because they’re on a much higher level then Abduction movie is.

A better lead role would make the Abduction movie a lot better. Or…at least tolerable. It has potential, just not with Taylor Lautner.

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If you devote yourself to making this movie faster, then I don’t have to wait until summer of 2012 to see it in Imax. If you stop dressing Anne Hatheway up in a halloween costume, then we won’t complain that she looks stupid and that having a woman accomplice is a bad idea.

I loved Dark Knight, but bringing Cat Woman into Dark Knight Rises seems like a terrible idea. What’s she gonna do wondering around with her $8.00 cat suit on? I see broke college girls wearing the same outfit in October. This could ruin the movie if Christopher Nolan isn’t surgical with the way he pieces this film together.

Well, unless Batman gives her the Batarrang if you know what I’m sayin.

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Hey guys, look over here, I found…THE THING! OH MY GOD (enter Chris Farley’s voice). The Thing trailer looks great if you’re seeking a crawling under your skin type of freaky movie. I know when I enter the theater to watch this movie, that someone in the audience will probably act like a fool and try to scare us. I know I shouldn’t be that person, and usually someone beats me to it, but I think I’ll pretend an ex girlfriend is living inside me and start ripping my skin off in the movie theater.

Wait. No. Maybe I’ll just order popcorn. Hold the butter, I’m not trying to take up two seats at the next show.

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Watch out E-coli, you have a new competitor! If you catch this weird contagious virus, then you’re gonna turn into a blood sucking weirdo trapped in a movie screen trying to scare gullible movie viewers everywhere.

I heard movie ushers will distribute hand sanitizer at every show so that the scared people can stop freaking out when they touch a door knob.

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You want to see Jason Statham kicking ass, Clive Owen acting like a cool villian, and Robert DeNiro being a super smooth dude picking his watch off a guy who just got beat up? Are you a guy? Then you want to go see Killer Elite, because the trailer looks like a cool action movie worth ditching your girlfriend for.

Or, you can always agree to sit through another miserable episode of Will and Grace.

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Thank you Discovery Channel for helping me discover the cure to my ugly, slow, outbreak ridiculed, 30 less brain cells then average, dumb as a brick life. Now with Energy Blaster 3000, I can cure everything that’s wrong with me. In fact, I even cured homelessness on a bum down at the boulevard last night. This dude used to be a homeless prostitute outside the Lemon Club, but he drank one Energy Blaster 3000 and now he’s a millionaire with a butler and a personal driver. He’s even going to star in an episode of Lifestyles of the Rich and Shameless.

Again. I made it all up.

Do you ever believe anything I say? No. Ha. Cool. I hope you at least enjoy the sarcasm.

Now time to go smoke some medicinal crack aka Energy Blaster 3000!

ps – you all know 5 hour energy drinks are the dumbest thing ever created besides the Suck Cut from Wayne’s World, right? And you do know that it contains about the same caffeine level as a single cup of coffee? Right? This crap I didn’t make up. 5 Hour Energy is a waste of time. Energy Blaster 3000 did not pay me to say that.

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Looks like the pervs of the world will be upset when they get to Crankers and see that “8 year old boys in a cage” are just some ultimate fighter fans pushing their kids into psychoanalyzed beat downs? “Cmon son, get in there and make dad proud!” Even though dad is a pansy who won’t join a gym and spar on his own. This is as dumb and bad as chicken fighting and dog fighting, except, it’s ran by people who are even bigger idiots. Let’s analyze them all – animal fighting? Stupid. If watching two borderline retarded animals wriggle and bite on the ground while a bunch of morons linger around a cage screaming is your idea of a good time, then you probably don’t have a computer to read this on. If watching your kid get beat up in a cage while growing that hideous cauliflower ear is entertaining to you, then you’re a bad parent who is clearly a homosexual pervert who doesn’t care about their child at all.

Kudos to you, you dirty priests in the making!

You make the rest of us look so much better. Thank you!

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I was just about to go to bed on my nicecozy pillows and feathery blanket, next to my girlfriend a cat who cries when the lights go out because I think it’s scared of the dark. Then I saw this funny puppet video titled “Puppet Break Up” and had to watch it three times. This is better then that snowball pale white dude who had one terrible song go viral – Asher Roth. I find it entertaining that 1) said puppet is better dancer then Asher Roth, and 2) also a better rapper. Asher has the puppet beat in the bones category, as puppet bones are Styrofoam. Other then that, the rest is a toss up. They both sound like drug riddled potheads – a bit slow and probably get lost at the mall.

I’m voting for the puppet because the girl in his funny puppet video is super hot. She’s on the left in the blue polka dot bikini. Hi, my name is (your name here) and I want you to send me some hot girl bikini videos because you’re like the best hot dancer in a funny video in a long time. Sir Mix-A-Lot would invite you over…if you gained 50 lbs.

Just sayin…

Here’s the hot girl:

I hope she doesn't have a fetus growing from her face.

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The epic cute cat video showdown featuring OMG Cat and WTF Kitty.

Let’s begin…

This is what happens when your cute cat is under sedatives and attached to invisible strings. You can pull your cats jaw down like a bad magic trick, and hope your cat doesn’t get hurt. Or, this cat really wants to know what the heck you’re looking at and what’s the big deal, because it’s just a cat video.

This cute kitty looks strung out on crack, is running around eating plants, and would probably be selling its body on the streets if it weren’t for the cute wtf kitty YouTube video racking up 6 million views and probably yoinking in some spare change. Enough to buy a few tins of mackerel per day, eh?

Who has the better video? You decide!

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Ironically, this is shark safety video in the making, but it goes wrong when the beer bellied Hawaiian looking dude decides holding a beer can and a shark at the same time makes him look cool. No, you just look like a fat alcoholic. Put the beer down for a minute, make the shark attack video worth watching, and maybe you won’t get bitten by a baby shark while you’re standing in the sand. On second thought, the shark bite is what made this video worth watching. Well, that and the great text based narration of the video.

Next time you should put down the beer, hold the shark right, and maybe you won’t be attacked by a baby shark who’s just trying to breathe.

How many people here have witnessed a shark attack? You all did! You just watched a shark attack video! Duh! Trick question.

By the way, people who must have their beer in hand for pictures and video are idiots. Ten years from now, do you want to look back at your pictures and realize you look like a loser alcoholic? You can put it down for 10 seconds, then pick it back up and drink your face off when you’re done with the picture. I like my pictures and videos to be beer free, because I don’t feel like posting 100 drunk pictures on my desk or walls. I want good pics, they can be drunk, but I’m not a f*cking billboard for Bud Lite Lime.

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If you want to get punched in the face, then dress up as a snowman, hang out on the WildWood Boardwalk, and wait for some heavy metal Dad to bring his suckerfaced kid up to your snowman costume, then scare them, then brace your face for the impact of a roundhouse punch. First – what idiots care to go up to a fake snowman and touch it? What do you need to touch it for? It’s just a random snowman – why don’t you walk by, look at it, say to yourself “cool snowman bro” and keep walking? It’s not like you’re gonna turn to gold when you touch this random snowman. Big deal. A snowman. Oh wow! It’s like this dude is a 3 year old again and has to touch everything.

I don’t need to touch the snowman. But you put up a hot nekked snow woman in a bunny suit – then maybe I’ll be providing her with a free hands-on experience.

The Scary Snowman at WildWood of the Jersey Shore would be WAY more funny if it were a giant seagull.

ps – that midget kid on the left gets pwned by the Scary Snowman!!

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When asked what was the greatest accomplishment in his life, Andrew Jackson replied “I KILLED THE BANK” and everyone cheered because the bank was a machine that wanted to take control of the financial world of the United States and everyone hates the banks! This cool animated video even talks about people using code names, like Hula Girl and Lube Job! Ha! Did anyone notice that the Supreme Leader of the Bank is a mix of Batman and Bacardi? This video displays how Americans think they own the bank, but really, the bank owns them.

Good luck America! I live here too – down with the man!

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You know how I know you don’t ever get laid, even though you have a rocking bed? You still yell “hi mom” in your YouTube videos, which means you’re living at home in your parents guest room or the bedroom you grew up in, and you’re 30 years old. There is no way the guy in the video wakes up to this every morning for the last four years, because I can tell you right now that this f0cker has a regular alarm clock in his drawer to the right. And what happens when this guys computer controlled alarm clock goes into screen saver or hibernation mode? How can your computer controlled alarm clock wake you up when the computer is asleep?

This isn’t half as bad as waking up next to a pirate faced pig like Deena Cortese from Jersey Shore and having to do the walk of shame.

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Doesn’t look like he’s got a vagina, so I’m going to assume this guy is downright hammered. Men don’t admit to being afraid of heights, and he wouldn’t have went if he was afraid of heights anyway. He is probably drunk, hungover, or someone spiked his Kool Aid with syrup of ipecac. If that’s the case, then his friends are really f-ing funny about pulling pranks, and I’m glad the instructor didn’t get covered in chewed up shrimp from a Chinese Buffet or Taco Bell’s late night menu of fake beef products.

Remember folks. We’re men…men in tights, tight tights!

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Getting revenge on seagulls for pooping on you, stealing your food, or simply for existing as dumb birds is easy. You need to have mad troll skills, a bag of Cheetos, and a vehicle to sit in – even if it’s not your own.

Follow these steps and you will easily anger seagulls. And this is more funny then feeding them Alka Seltzer, which is just stupid and messy.

1. Locate seagulls.
2. Throw a few Cheetos in air to gain their attention.
3. Get in car.
4. Throw a few more Cheetos on the hood of your car.
5. Throw a few more so they land near the car and eat the Cheetos.
6. Now throw a few inside your car, on the dashboard, like the people in the video do.
7. Watch and laugh.
8. Repeat steps 6 and 7 repeatedly.

The seagulls little brains won’t be able to comprehend the existence of glass nor the fact that they can’t peck through it with their idiot beaks. The seagulls will smash their face on your windshield and you will laugh as you video tape the entire thing and post it to Facebook and Crankers.

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Poor SpongeBob SquarePants got into a fight with two girls and got himself arrested. Patrick was nowhere to be found. SpongeBob fought one girl who looked like a tranny in tiger pants, and another girl who must be the ugliest girl at USC or just a dumb nitwit who buys shirts to colleges she couldn’t get into. Either way, the video cuts to all three of them with the cops and I couldn’t stop laughing. Just seeing the side angle of SpongeBob talking to a police officer was enough to spit coffee on the keyboard.

You can’t blame SpongeBob for trying to smack the ugly off these two beaten down hoodrats, he was just trying to do society a favor.

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Everyone else is looking at Scarlett Johansson‘s leaked celebrity pictures from her hacked Iphone. So I may as well look at them too. Too bad I couldn’t find them on any of my friends cool websites, so I turned to trusty Google Image Search and BAM! Nekkid Scar-Jo all up and down my monitor. I was all like, BAM, its the hot girl from Iron Man 2!  And I know what you’re doing right now, because I’m probably doing the exact same thing, which is why I type with one hand. I bet you can’t say you did that, or can you? You probably can, which is a good thing, because it makes us both really, really, dirty cool.

Do you guys know that Scarlett Johansson was part of a SpongeBob SquarePants animated movie and video game? Yeah, she was a voice to some whiny little creature of the sea. Next time you’re pulling your pud to Scarlett Johansson, then think about a giant square looking sponge walking in your door and catching you. Then a giant pink starfish named Patrick giving you the silent treatment for cheating on him. You weirdo.

Anyone remember when Paris Hilton cell phone was hacked years ago?

Btw – just two leaked photos? There has to be more pictures!

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If you don’t know who Percy Foster is, then maybe you should scroll down and view the badger badger badger picture I made. Percy Foster is the dwarf lookalike of Chef Gordon Ramsay. Not only is Percy a Dwarf, but he’s a porn star. Hmmm. A porn star dwarf who looks like Chef Gordon Ramsey, and they were found dead in a badger den? You have to be thinking “wtf” or laughing hysterically right now. LOLing if you only use netspeak, which, is pretty gay if you ask me. LOL.

Percy was reported to have been found eaten alive by badgers. Sources are random news websites on the net. Go Google it if you don’t believe me, but if I am telling no lie, then you have to tell all your 589 friends on Facebook to visit Crankers tonight!

I’d like to know a few things. Why was Percy in a badger den? How far can he spit his watermelon seed? Who makes more – Chef Gordon Ramsay baking the cakes? Or Percy Foster slamming the batter?

Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger!! You can thank Weebls for the cute badgers.

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I have no idea what that weird alien looking Pinata is. I don’t know where it came from. I woke up and it was in my garage. The next thing I know, the neighbors dog is humping it ridiculously, and I had to pry the dog from the alien pinata. I don’t like when dogs hump things and that creepy red rocket comes out. If you think I made that up, then you are correct. I didn’t really watch a dog hump that thing, I photoshopped it like a good Internet nerd.

Now it’s your turn. Photoshop something funny, cool, weird, or awesome into that weird alien pinata, high school science fair losing creature of an object.

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Soulja Boy unfortunately released more music. The loser also recently commented about military troops not being tough, or hard, or whatever that idiot fake rapper who releases garbage says. What does he think, that his little scrawny self could actually handle the real world? Soulja Boy is more lame then JaRule, or at least on the same dork level that everyone laughs at every time they hear a terrible song by either one of them. How the heck do people like their crap? Seriously people, to all my rap fans out there – are you deaf? Do you have any idea how terrible Soulja Boy is? Do you have any idea how uneducated and stupid the guy is? Parents, do NOT let your kids listen to that crap.

Instead, give them Bling Bling – the homeless crackhead who is actually LESS ghetto and LESS uneducated and LESS moronic then Soulja Boy.

You can’t even hold a gun right, yet you’re trying to diss people who carry large fully automatic weapons and back packs weighing 70lbs or more? You’re a complete idiot and the only reason you said anything this stupid is to get your lame self back in the news.

You really just pulled the “any press is good press” card. Too bad your songs still suck.

To Soulja Toy – show respect where it’s due, because  no one respects you.

PS – Bling Blings funny video becomes wildly weird at the 1:05 mark. You may want to hide yo kids, hide yo wife, cause Bling Bling’s rapin errrryone out there!

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It’s really hard for me to stop laughing at this little three year old girl acting like her souls been crushed because she is scared she will turn black. Then her Daddy, who made this funny video, tells her that she’ll be chocolate brown like the sweater, then tricks her into agreeing to be part brown, and then crushes her remaining soul by pwning her with an epic full on hardcore dark blackness. I’m talking like midnight black! Darkest of the dark black! She’s gonna be so black, that when her mother wears a Malcolm X jacket, a helicopter gonna mistake her for a helipad!

Ok. That’s an old school joke with some negative undertones. I get it. You’re like my one African American reader on the planet, so you’re upset, gonna comment that I made a partially ill-vibed joke and posted an upset three year old. Go for it! I encourage you to be mad, because I understand that people can’t take a joke or see the humorous side of life. Would it make you feel any less offended if I told you that this video was about jelly beans and the Dad was telling her that she was going to turn into a piece of candy, and then he was asking her color, by color, which one she wanted to be?

Now that puts it all in a different perspective, doesn’t it? I thought so.

Now it’s ok to laugh because we’re not making fun of black people anymore. I actually don’t know what the context of this video is, because they clearly cut off the beginning and end, so we have no contextual information with which to create a knowledgeable inference scenario. All we have is what our mind tells us, which could be anything.

In all honesty…I was associating this video with black people from the moment she said “I DON’T WANNA TURN BLACK” and I thought it was hilarious. I sent this to my black friend who then replied with

LOLOL, turn into a black what? person? haha…she’s gonna marry a black dude and make daddy cry!

You know what would be an even more funny video? A black three year old saying I DON’T WANNA BE WHITE!!

ps – are they watching that crap show True Blood in the background?

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