Video clip of Hurricane Irene in the Bahamas. It looks windy and rainy, but doesn’t look scary. What’s scary is the thought of fat Rosie O’donnell naked (epic projectile vomit). I heard she ate some Krispy Kreme donuts and got off the couch, which is what caused the earthquake in Virginia this week. Hurricane Irene is supposed to make it’s way up to the Jersey Shore tomorrow night, which totally ruined my plans to search for some grenades to put in my brother’s bed when he’s sleeping, so that he wakes up thinking he slept with a fat girl in a skimpy dress.
If you’re looking for a “How to Survive a Hurricane” guide, then here is a FAKE ONE. I made that in all capital letters because I know some of you are idiots and will think this is a real guide. NO. THIS IS NOT HOW YOU SURVIVE A HURRICANE SO DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!
- Buy a raft or small boat that seats ten people. Buy military grade, because you’ll probably crash into things.
- Buy a keg of Bud Light Lime, depending on how gay you are and how long it takes you to get drunk on the perfect tailgating beer, aka, Hurricane Irene beer.
- Buy ten life preservers, brightly colored, high quality, because you’ll probably fall off your boat. This will help you not drown, or drown slower.
- Ask 9 of your willing daredevil moron friends to join you on the quest to paddle the flooded streets of “your town in the hurricane here”!
- Remember that I said do not try this at home.
- Pack a cooler full of hoagies, pack a bag full of chips, and get your game face on.
- Don’t forget your paddles!
- Don’t forget ice!
- Buy red party cups and party hats (condoms in case you get laid).
- Don’t forget to take pictures and video and post them on FaceBook as you’re living it up in Hurricane Irene.
There you have it. The way to most likely get yourself drunk and injured. If you’re going to do this, then at least wait until the storm part is over and THEN go out and paddle around in the flood. At least if the storm is over, you can paddle safely throughout town.
Save the looting for other people though. You don’t want to end up looking like that black dude who stole a case of Heinekin during Hurricane Katrina. Besides being one of the ugliest black people on the planet, he is also an a$$hole. You don’t want to be that ugly guy who looks like an a$$hole, do you?
Didn’t think so.
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